24th November 2009

I will give some time for this sepia-toned waking up to end. Winter is colder than I can bear. It is true what they say, never underestimate the weather. It can bite you hard before you know it.

But life is short, and I need more than waking up courageous to make decisions. I can't walk on frosty veneer with the great of grace when I struggle to even find the right shoe. The right shoe, the one defined by people around me, has dragged me this far believing that it could not be anything else.

The roads are slippery, I know. Most of the lot do not want me to kill the grace; slip and fumble, the lot I greatly dear. And another would find amusement in the murder, nothing much anyone could do.

I have chosen my own shoe. Hunches and voices should tell me it is hard for anyone I love could digest. The hearts were stabbed and crushed, and they bleed silently. I had to do it, for mine has long lost and I want it back.

I don't think I have to pick myself up, because I am descending to ascend, not slipping and be sent.

Nothing will ever be the same again, I try not to think much about. Walking on in silence; each of us deep in thought. That is uncomfortable, but I need to hold tight.

Dream, passion is a state of mind. People raised the glass of their success of defacing their dreams and passion trying to make me feel inadequate unless I live their dream. From all available surface, things look too good to be true and I've never allowed to answer back.

I have failed to see how standing on top gracefully could be satisfying when I actually wanted to sit down calmly, to do things I have always wanted to do.

I could tell my children that daddy had given it a go. But nothing could daddy do when it was not daddy's dream anymore.

Daddy was young and stupid, and daddy was old and wise.

Apple over orange, a turnaround. The decision is both hard and easy. But life is not just about climbing up the ladder people erected for me. I have dragged the man long enough, and it is time to set him free.

People either love me or hate me, or they don't really care and it is easy to stand up anonymously.

Today, I have decided to finally put a face to a name, and a name to a face. I know when the time comes to leave, I just have to walk away quietly and don't make any fuss.

So I officially quit doing medicine today for a simple and complicated reason - I have a dream and I want it back.

El Clasico is one of my favorite football rivalries. The others being Liverpool - Manchester United and Selangor - Kedah. I have something about football rivalries, the history and intense building up prior kick off. And of course it is nice to see how far passion and loyalty could take a fan in a football match.

Football is a game of balance. A team can be known to bang goals after goals, an indication of a team's attacking prowess, and another might be famous for their rock solid defenders, a sign of a team's defending ability. They might be a joy to watch, but at the end of the season, chances are, they won't be lifting any silverware.

Because attacking alone is not enough without defending, vice versa.

Real Madrid is an example of football imbalance, despite financially possible to rule the world. Unable to get Arsene Wenger is a problem of meagre worth if their defensive line is a terrible fit in estimation of the club's value.

Up front, they are looking unstoppable. Cristiano Ronaldo led the new era Galacticos with Kaka and Karim Benzema joining him by his side. Then came Xabi Alonso to provide, akin to the role of David Beckham in the previous Galacticos era.

Real Madrid have too big a pool of attacking players. Raul never gets old, Ruud van Nistelrooy is desperate to get playing time and youngster Gonzalo Higuain looks confident to fill the massive boot Raul and Ruud would leave vacant.

Even if Kaka is unavailable, Guti should be more than ready to roam the midfield area, so do Granero and the Diarras.

The point is, Real Madrid should have no problems to bag goals. Their problems is how not to concede.

Iker Casillas is a Spanish goalkeeping legend, even when he is playing now. But a great goalkeeper needs a great line of defenders in front of him. Peter Schmeichel wouldn't have been great without Jaap Stam and Ronny Johnsen, and of course, Buffon is not a Buffon without Cannavaro and Materrazi.

No offense, but I think Raul Albiol and Pepe aren't Galacticos material, the bones of contention to Real Madrid's massive ambition.

It was absolutely no surprise when they lost to Barcelona an hour ago. Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a world class striker, everyone knows that. But you are a Real Madrid player, a world class team. Defensive fluke is the last thing you want to commit if you are playing at that high level of football.

The other problem is Pellegrini's inability to exploit the big pool of attacking player he has by not employing Kaka, arguably the best playmaker in the world, in a position where he could freely roam as a playmaker.

A more astute Pep Guardiola, on the other hand was quick to spot the hole and appointed Xavi and Iniesta to easily outmuscle the lonely Xabi Alonso. Hence, without midfielders' effectivity, money spent on Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema is wasted.

I don't have to tell you how quiet Kaka has become when he joined Real Madrid from Milan.

But the loudest men on the pitch weren't Xavi and Iniesta, but the 2Ps: Puyol and Pique, whom rock solid defending was beyond brilliant. Victor Valdez had the best of time with nothing much to do when his to centre backs were on fire. Cristiano Ronaldo looked like a little kid in need of an ice-cream and Kaka was a clueless tramp.

Possession was in favour of Barca, thanks to Xavi and Iniesta's calm, but the number of shot saw Madrid to be more superior - 16 shots but only two on target is enough to explain Barca's not only good in attacking.

El Clasico ends, and a balanced team get the better of a financially balanced team.

P.S. The picture is a deliberate effort to show how well balanced Barcelona as a team.

We found ourselves hanging when the biggest Malaysian sporting events outside Malaysia had moved into the stage where everyone was asking whether everyone was going.

Little we could do if our university do not have the privilege to hold a big number of Malaysian students to make up an established Malaysian society, because to play in Nottingham Games, you have to play for your respective university's Malaysian society.

We are not blessed with quick feet and amazing trickery with the ball to capture anyone's attention if they saw us playing on the field. Added to the mixture was the fact that it was only our first few months playing under cold oceanic climate. The regularity and human conscience would allow those who are counting days to have more playing hours in the event.

And for any young blood like, there is always next year.

For me, it was either playing or not going. I've got through, but the story was neither entirely about me or started at Nottingham.

Because for us, the biggest Malaysian sporting event is at Liverpool, where the love story unfolded.

Napoli didn't set the footballing world alight in its first 80 years, we all know that. Sir Alex Ferguson didn't gather the esteem overnight, and neither did Arsene Wenger. It took time and perseverance to leave a legacy behind. Of course, with passion and love.

I am a Liverpool fan, so the love for the city came quite naturally. But it was not my love for the city alone that brought the team we were about to form to the city. It was the passion and love that brought us there, when we knew that the first sporting event to take place after Nottingham Games that year was Liverpool Games.

The year was 2008, and the month was November. Liverpool was next on the calendar, and we were in dire need to be there, playing.

Maybe we were all too bitter not to turn to our Malaysian societies for a place to play, because as the saying has it, if we can't join them, beat them.

Which was exactly a year ago.

We knew each other from college, and I had the privilege to play alongside some of them in the college football team few years ago. So we are no strangers to each other.

Mukhlis studies in Leeds and a big United fan. Wan Zahidi and Faiq both in London and support Arsenal. Syahmi and I stay up north while Mudin in the Midlands. Toyot lives in Sheffield, few hours away from Dedust who lives in Liverpool.

Geography, course of study and favorite teams are few of many reasons to keep the distance even greater among us. But of course, it did not happen.

Dedust and The Gang wore black as we started off fledgling. It was the coolest colour we could think of, and most importantly, economical.

I could still remember the moment I got off the train on a cold Friday night at Liverpool Lime Street and waited half an hour for Dedust, Mukhlis and Toyot to pick me up. We then walked up to the bus station to fetch the Londoners (Wan Zahidi and Faiq) who had the taste of wounding British bus ride for the first time, after being pampered with London Tube for so long.

Accommodation was superb by our standard. We couldn't ask for more. The room was big enough for the eight of us, with Kajai being the unsung extra, who traveled with Syahmi to be the team's first ever cameraman, and fan ultimately. Mudin didn't stay with us due to logistic problems.

We were so happy to see each other that we forgot that we had a tournament to play the next day. The time was spent fooling around as opposed to discussing tactics and set pieces. We cooked supper that could equal to a king's dinner and we were too full to doze off. I would spare the details of the amount of laughs we had, especially the one we got from Kajai, who was on top of his performance that night.

*

The team was a balance, and we didn't have much problems in any area of preference. But the problem for any teams has always been the one between the goal post, the goalkeeper. Mudin was reluctant to wear the glove for a reason we'd figured out a year later. But we were lucky that he understood that a team is not a team without a goalkeeper.

Wan Zahidi and Dedust are natural defenders and Mukhlis can play anywhere across the field as our utility player. We rely on Syahmi, Toyot and Faiq's speed and control of the ball to get the ball forward. So we have covered pretty much every area to at least not to get humiliated.

It was not the best first outing for the team, as we failed to qualify to the second round and had to settle for plate division. We played some good games, and had most of the ball possessions. But we found it hard to convert them into goals. We then lost in the quarter final to a team from Sheffield.

We held our chin up high, and we were proud of ourselves. It was not the be or end for Dedust and The Gang. We vowed to bounce back, in which as those bastards would say, there is always next year.

Which was true, because few months after that (the next year), the brethren convened again for another bout.

But before that, we took our time touring the city and had probably the best Chinese buffet in the world, and to add icing to the cake, we made a video to make fun and laugh at ourselves.

It was Manchester, next on the calendar.

*

Liverpool was a formative phase for Dedust and The Gang. We started to know each other better and learned how we move on the field for the chemistry to be nicely built. And off the field, we started to become very good friends.

It is nice to see the mood is still there when I told them that Manchester was on for a game. They replied in a blink, and we subconsciously entered another phase of the team where something serious needed to be carefully thought of.

Dedust and The Gang is not a one-off, as it turned out to be. We started brainstorming for a brand name, something to label and position us on the map. I have no idea how creative footballers could become sometimes, especially in things directly related to them. So the team needed a new name, and the table was open for suggestion.

The name Gangdust was a year long expedition, and it was not the first time that such brainstorming session had to be call for. It began as early as in Liverpool, when the team was informally formed. Being already in Liverpool, Dedust was obligated to do the paperworks, and had to deal with the organizers to register the team.

These are few takes that we had before we settled for Dedust and The Gang; Dedust Kick, Neraca Hidup, Fly.com, of course came from Dedust himself; Jiwa Kacau, Hati Luka, From Banting With Love, You Don't Kick The Dedust, by Mudin; Apa Nama Team Anda, Nickname, Team Bebas, Team 20-an, Terung, by Toyot and Faiq came up with Ding Dong FC and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The list didn't stop there, as the flow continued. Mukhlis tried to sell the name 'Muka Escape' and Wan Zahidi was perverted as always, with 'The Bangable' and 'The Bangbus'. But the subject of contempt was in Syahmi's grandiose idea of a team name, 'The Maestro'. Wan Zahidi was starting to get personal, Mukhlis too. We thought it is worthless to be named Zinedine Zidane when we actually play like Shukor Adan.

So many ideas and so many names, and we were spoilt for choices. But it all went to the trash when Dedust demonstrate the use of tyranny to ensure stability, as he took the matter in his hands.

He had the form, and named the team Dedust and The Gang.

That was how. We just had to agree, as a way to say thanks to him for registering the team.

So in Manchester, I did the registration. So the power is back to the people. It was quick as we grew fond in the name Dedust and The Gang surprisingly. We just had to incorporate it with something to make it sounds cool.

There was not a single war of words when Faiq replied 'Gangdust' at 3.08pm on the 27th of January 2008. Everyone agreed and we have a new name. Not only a fervent DotA and FarmVille player, Faiq is the man who named Gangdust.

*

While other teams might start talking about tactics, we were more interested in talking about the team jersey, as new team needs a new kit. We were again looking for something cheap and probably more reputable than a simple black t-shirt.

Sports Direct was a bailout as Celtic home jersey was on sale. It is something uncommon as I have never seen any other teams wearing the jersey in any Malaysian games. It looked nice too. So it was an easy pick, and now Gangdust have a colour.

Wan Zahidi could not make it to Manchester and it caused a brief scare for the team as we were in deficit of a defender. Mudin offered to fill Wan Zahidi's absence but that would leave his place empty too, and that is worse.

That is when someone in Leicester came with a good news, to play as a goalkeeper to allow Mudin play as a defender for the first time. It came in the form of Firdhaus whom we call Jaya, another guy we met in college.

The team's diet was excellently taken care of when Jaya is aboard. He cooks very well and he would be the first to wake up to cook us breakfast. As you can tell, he is very good with his hands, which is quite obvious for his inclination to play as a goalkeeper (other than scoring some girls which I just can speculate for the moment.)

*

Manchester Games was smaller in scale compared to Liverpool Games, and we wanted to give a good first (or second) impression for the brand. We were worried if Wan Zahidi's absence would leave a massive gap, but Mudin proved that he was more than able to fill the shoe. So was Jaya, who was brilliant between the posts.

We had a good run-up generally and went to the quarter final and lost to the finalist. Certainly, there was an improvement and we were very happy to see that. My initial and only concern was the amount each player played in the tournament. It could be heartbreaking to come all the way and not playing enough games, I totally understand that. But it was a relief to know that all of us understood that whatever happened on the field, it was for the team's own good, because football is never a one-man show.

Manchester is one hour train journey from Liverpool, so we decided to stay at Liverpool at Dedust's place, again for the second time. We developed a romantic relationship with the place and decided to celebrate it as Gangdust's official accommodation and operation office.

Manchester Games in one word, maturing.

*

We went as far as creating a Facebook group to band together with friends and fans we made at Manchester. We tried to make it a practice to update those who joined the group with news we packed in a newsletter. I wrote the first few ones before Wan Zahidi joined the editorial. Toyot is involved in the technical operation of the group and every one of us has to widen the fan base through invitations.

Membership was quite slow in the first few months, and we barely had 30 members on the ship. The number climbed months later and we passed our 100 memberships before we play in Sheffield, where Sheffield Games was fixtured next after Manchester.

Of course, initiation of an enterprise is without doubt a hard thing to do, as we had to make the group as interesting as possible and it cost us greatly. I for one had to be continuously enthusiastic and passionate to set the team alight.

It did not come without some reprisals and hate mails. I've received so many criticism for being too passionate about a thing that is good-for-nothing, and somebody went as far as labeling the efforts a waste of time. Sometimes the passion within the lines I wrote in the newsletter caused them to hate me more. Anyhow, I have to thank them because without them, I would not have a story to tell.

Thanks for making Gangdust stronger.

Of course it is never about how many members and fans the group made because true fans are in the heart, not in the mere numbers. We are not bothered if the people who joined the group are not real fans, they just wanted to be in the group for the sake of it, because our biggest fans are ourselves.

Nevertheless, Gangdust is now established.

*

What's next on the calendar is a gossip among us, and being impatient and nosy like a psycho girlfriend, we just could not wait for the next tournament to play in. Toyot then came with a good news that Sheffield was organizing one, and being in Sheffield, the papers were given to him to submit.

Wan Zahidi is back and would be wearing green-white for Gangdust for the first time. Sheffield Games is quite reputable on the map, as we were oblivious that the news and promotions had been circulating for few months, even before Liverpool Games. We wouldn't know if Toyot didn't tell us.

Of course, Wan Zahidi's comeback had nothing to do with Sheffield Nasyid Competition that was scheduled after Sheffield Games. He was just psyched to know that we did well in Manchester that he didn't want to miss another outing.

The line-up was a reminiscence of the first we had in Liverpool. Jaya had to call the journey to Sheffield off due to work, and Mudin now back as goalkeeper. Mudin as a goalkeeper is a hard decision, to be honest, because we were desperately in need of a goalkeeper. I know he is more inclined (and more capable) in playing as a defender, and the decision to play him as a goalkeeper was hard for both me and him. As it might be the last game of the season, I promised him to look for replacement so that he could play in his first choice position. So it was a big favour from Mudin to play goalkeeper for us in Sheffield.

Complacency is the biggest opponent for any teams, established or not. We tried not to look back and steered the team forward all the time. Every new tournament is a new book for us, so we want to get it right every time.

Mukhlis was showing signs of his knee injury relapse, which was a scare to all of us. But he was not showing signs of quitting without a fight, as he battled the injury to play for us nevertheless.

The tournament sparked a pleasant rivalry between Gangdust and another team of our kind, Sperma. They were all from KYUEM, and the intensity came quite naturally.

We were grouped with Sperma and coincidentally, Newcastle, the team I played for in Nottingham. Sperma was a better team when they beat us and topped the group to qualify for the next round. We had to win the game against Newcastle to book the second place.

I believed in Newcastle when I played for them in Nottingham Games, and I know what are they capable of. So it was quite nervous when I am playing in the opposite direction now.

They need a draw to go through, and when I missed the given penalty, the score was still 1-1 and I thought it was over. It was not until Mukhlis presented a nice pass to set me one-on-one again with the goalkeeper to send Gangdust to the second round.

I have no idea how it worked, but we were drawn to face of all teams, Sperma in the first game of the second round. We had our second chance to turn the leaf over, and it would be sweet if it was done to knock them out the tournament. But they proved to be a more composed and organized lot, as they overpowered us to go through the quarter final.

It would have been a bigger margin if Mudin was not on form. The main problem was again in our ability to turn chances into goals, and we had to end the season with a second round knock-out finish, which was for me, a good result.

*

The fan base was expanding quite nicely, and we threw an end of the season party at Toyot's place to celebrate. Toyot is a nice host and has the coolest house and housemates ever. Syahmi stayed up all night to play video game on PS3, and me and Wan Zahidi belted out our magical voice in a SingStar battle. We had barbecue that night and it was a nice way to connect among ourselves, except for Dedust and Mudin's infamous knack to sneak out from helping out in the kitchen.

That was it for 2008/2009 season, and it was a long season I can remember. Decent run and excellent barbecue in Sheffield was a fitting end to a great season, and we couldn't wait for the start of the next season.

*

We broke up for summer break and I had to make sure relationship with those in the group is well taken care of. Wan Zahidi chipped in for some write-ups as well. It was nice to see some of the people wanted to be actively involved in the running of Gangdust next season, and two of them were going to don Gangdust jersey few months later.

Majin Mohsen and Ahmad Redzuan (Wandog), our fans-turn-players have confirmed their place in London to further their studies, and I made a quick reservation to secure their service for Gangdust. They were our junior in college, so the prerequisite to play for Gangdust was still preserved.

Another good news came from Kayrel Anuar who was coming to Sheffield. He is no stranger to me, having played with me, Wan Zahidi and Syahmi for the college team last few years. On the field, he is the man with three lungs, attributed to his exceptional fitness liken to Michael Essien.

We also received many kinds of feedback from those in the group; well wishes, sarcastic reviews and requests to play for the team. The pool is getting bigger and it is very nice to see the development.

Then came a sad news: we received a news from Mukhlis who had to undergo knee injury operation and he is set to be sidelined for a year. It was a big woe for the team, and we have to believe in Wandog and Kayrel to fill the enormous shoe left by Mukhlis.

Majin plays goalkeeper and literally, he couldn't fill even Mukhlis' room. He he.

*

Nottingham Games, although the biggest Malaysian sporting event, is a season opener for Malaysian football events in the UK. It was a good opportunity for the players to get the engine started before the real season starts. Also, it was an opportunity to gel with people from our respective place.

Me and Syahmi played for Newcastle for the second time, and the team still openly accept me albeit the goal I scored in Sheffield. Wan Zahidi played for a London team, and Faiq, Majin and Wandog played together for another London team. Toyot chose to give it a rest and handed his place in Sheffield's team to Kayrel. Dedust and Mudin played for Liverpool and Nottingham team, respectively. Mukhlis was there too, leading the team from Leeds as a manager.

Most of us had an excellent time, especially Wan Zahidi who won third place while Faiq, Majin and Wandog through to quarter final. Dedust's Liverpool team also had a nice run, playing in the quarter final. The new signing trio showed excellent snippets of what we are getting in the future with magnificent performances. Majin had his saving gloves on and was on fire in Nottingham. Wandog showed exemplary maturity with the ball, and Kayrel was as strong as ever with his hard and effective tackles.

I could only imagine the changes for Gangdust which is now on another phase of evolving.

*

Our 2009/2010 season kicked off in Liverpool. Homecoming, and we are back to the place where the journey started. Mukhlis, Kajai and Jaya couldn't hop their bodies on the train, but managed to hop on their well-wishes for our season starter. The entourage from London and Sheffield are now bigger in number, with Wandog and Majin joining Wan Zahidi and Faiq; and Kayrel joining Toyot.

Mudin decided not to play for Gangdust this time, and played for Nottingham instead. The biggest shock came from Dedust, who played for Liverpool. With Mukhlis out for injury, it might be a blessing in disguise as we had just enough players for Liverpool Games without him, Mudin and Dedust.

We began the season with full of confidence. With the presence of Majin, Kayrel and Wandog, they would have a big influence on the way team performed. As it turned out, they did well, better than we all expected.

We ran riot in our first game as we had an easy 7-0 win, the biggest win ever recorded by Gangdust. Our biggest fear was the team from Bradford who have the esteem of an established team with excellent history.

The second match against them was a nervous one. Majin was on fire again, and defenders (Wan Zahidi and Kayrel) didn't show any signs of backing off as they were rock solid in resisting Bradford's ferocious shots. I went on the second half and poached a goal for Gangdust and we continued to defend until the whistle blown.

And that was enough to send us to the second round, and the future looks bright for Gangdust so far.

We knew from the moment we arrived in Liverpool that if we were scheduled to play Sperma again, they were the team to beat before anything else. It was deja vu when we were drawn against Sperma, again in the next round. We had been looking forward to playing our arch rival and for me personally, I love everything about the game against Sperma; getting mentally prepared and soaking up the atmosphere. It's a fantastic feeling.

The game was indeed a tight one. It was as intense as expected. We went down twice and equalize twice to settle the game in penalties. Kayrel scored the best goal for Gangdust with a screamer from his position for our second goal.

I was haunted by the memory of Sheffield's penalty miss, even though its been days. I had to put an end to that stupid guilt and stepped on to take the penalty.

Penalties are all about keeping your nerve and having a bit of luck. I had both and converted the first penalty. Wan Zahidi converted the other one and eyes were on Majin to save the next penalty

It took his mercurial save to reserve the title hero. He made a wonderful save to deny Sperma's second penalty and handed Gangdust first ever win over Sperma.

The win secured our place in the quarter final, and of all teams, we had to go head-to-head against Nottingham, which Mudin played for.

Mudin turned out to be a brilliant defender, and he has improved so much since the day I met him in college. He organized the defense so well that it was very hard to penetrate. And equipped with rare amalgam of technical prowess and ball control artistry, Nottingham were deadly up front. They banged goals fun and it was no surprise for their easy win over us in the quarter final. We lost the game 3-5.

We are very proud with Mudin that we had his back all the way to the final, and in doing so, we developed a nice relationship with Nottingham players. Dedust's Liverpool team on the other hand, went to final too, but cheering for Nottingham team was easier to do, especially knowing that if Nottingham win the match, we would lose to a champion, which is a feat. It worked out well for Nottingham as they eased the final victorious.

Liverpool Games was an excellent improvement and we are a better team compared to last year. We bought ourselves another session at our favourite Liverpool's Chinese buffet, where the lads show massive improvements as well - Faiq ate more than a plate to begin with, Wan Zahidi has started to pick up some table manners, and now we have Majin who looked like a kid in a candy shop.

Liverpool Games 2009 ended with style and I am surprised to see how much changes the team have gone through.

*

It has been an eventful experience so far. We are continuously making significant changes to the make-up and structure of the squad, hence the journey doesn't stop in Liverpool.

I can't end this piece without enormous expression of personal gratitude to those who traveled with us to see us playing, and thanks for your tremendous supports. Of course, the atmosphere and sheer emotion that resonated from all sides of the team; the Facebook group and feedbacks were remarkable, and I am in no doubt that this was a huge and significant factor in the team's improvement.

Finally, given all the cynicism and negative publicity that sometimes surrounds the team, I want to extend my gratitude to the players who have taken Gangdust to their hearts. Playing with and for you guys is an honour.

Thank you all and let's go for more.

Happy 1st Anniversary, Gangdust.

P.S. The journey continues here and here.